It’s been as many years without as with now. I feel like I have moved on in some ways and in others I still wake up wondering how he would help. Wondering how much knowledge I missed getting from him. How much I wouldn’t have failed at if I was still attempting to listen to his guidance…that no longer exists.
As I prepare for another kiddo I once again grieve the fact he will never hold him. I once again am reminded how he would be the greatest cheerleader and helper as the day nears quickly. That he would be the fixer needed.
This year has been filled with a lot of what ifs though. What if I wasn’t this old and unskilled mostly. And the one person I feel could often relate would be him. What if that accident didnt happen. Or if he was paralyzed instead of killed. What if blah blah blah.
My doctor says I shouldn’t think that way on the new drugs. But I wonder a lot and play out the what ifs to long distances.
A month or so ago I realized this was basically half way. Basically half my life without him. The real halfway is sometime next summer. But it made me wonder if I need to keep going with the grieving. With the feeling of loss. And the past couple weeks make me realize I need to continue to be aware.
The little moments when junior asks about my dad and whose tummy I was in. And who my Dada is and why I don’t have a dad like him and why I am sad when he asks too many questions. Or when I witness cars crash and have a ton of emotions. Or when friends speak of fighting with their fathers and all I think is “at least you have a dad”.
That this is going to continue to be something I fight with and cry about and am tired of for life. Dad’s death will always be a large part of my story. If not a climax at least one of them.
Because it was sudden. And I was in the middle of figuring out life on my own and become respectful of him again. I was becoming an adult and not finished yet. We were talking after teenage years of fighting. So it wasn’t perfect and I’m not perfect with my boy(s). But the older I get the more I realize that relationship can never be replaced by another friendship. Or another male role model. It just won’t be the same. Which makes it harder.
And it makes me realize I won’t ever forget this day. And probably shouldn’t.
Miss you JimMeeks.
This is not a post asking for help. It is my yearly ritual to acknowledge and process my dad’s death.