It’s been a year since I worked. And it hurts in a lot of ways that I didn’t expect when I decided to stay home with Junior. I have figured out how to protect and care for a two year old better than imagined. I can cook, clean and garden well enough. But mentally it is difficult to continually have the company of a human that just doesn’t get me. But mostly it bugs me because I failed.
Every time I see the little USPS vehicles I am reminded of how hard it was. How I was miserable. How I hurt every night. How my intake of coffee had to be supplemented by Gatorade to not become dehydrationally sick but still be awake. It is worse when I see someone I worked with still doing it. How we used to struggle together but now they have made it. How 7 day 70 hour work weeks were just too much for me but not them. How they were able to stop long enough to realize they could survive…or just never thought about the future.
I blamed family commitments. But in honesty it was me. It was my inability to work in a negative environment that used unions to protect employee’s jobs while they insulted each other. It was my inability to imagine working within systems that were made by someone(s) who sat in an office on the other side of the country in different weather and demographics and conditions…and the lack of ability to speak my mind. The inability to intellectually contribute to my work life. My inability to accept the lack of air conditioning and heating in vehicles and warehouses. And most of all my lack of desire to invest in something that seemed to be failing horribly and would soon become an Amazon company.
But at least once a week I wake up breathing heavy because I just had to climb a big hill with my full satchel in my dream. Or because I ran from an old supervisor after I abandoned a vehicle full of “work”. Because I made a deal to work just one week to pay off the credit card. Or because I feel like I failed my family by not providing.
The hardest thing about being home all the time is not contributing monetarily. I know I am not alone in this as I have talked to other stay at home moms and SAHDs. But generally after I make another purchase at Home Depot to fix the house or urban farm I wonder how I can give. After I see my handy work on something small, I just hope we can afford a professional to fix major issues and improvements on the house. After I scour the budget for $10 again…I just want to help.
So I sold my body through a needle for the plasma center for a month until there was no bonus with the basic pay. I helped a friend reside his house for a few days. I mowed a neighbor’s lawn while it was being prepared to be sold. I often scour the internet for part time jobs that allow me still to maintain the urban farm, our marriage and Junior timewise. No one seems to want to hire someone for just 10 hours a week though. So I spent last week getting a few hundred dollars of project supplies for free from friends and Craigslist, and jumping on a deal for strawberry plants that should provide buckets for the cost of a pint at the store next spring. The urban farm continues to be my work outlet.
That is my SAHD life right now. I hang out with Junior, we garden, play with chickens, and go to the community center a lot. I think I am also ready to restart the blogging routine so will attempt to find time to sit and write once a week. There is enough happening in my head I should be able to force some out again.