I have spent the last little while cleaning up my Facebook feed, skipping through music and moving songs around an iPod that doesn’t even work and looking for a great picture that deals with “15”. because I don’t want to write but here it goes…

In the last week I have seen a lot of crazy drivers as I walk to and from work.  They are driving the wrong way down the lane/ one way road, making illegal left or right turns barely missing oncoming traffic…or trains…or speeding through red lights more than a couple clicks after it turned.  This last week when I saw them, my back and chest tensed up like it had 14 or so years ago.  Then I often felt like I was bracing for impact.  Constantly replaying my dad’s last seconds on earth (as I had created them in my head since I was 4100 miles away).  Now I am imagining my beautiful wife, junior, one of the homeless I know who have been hit.

The fear is as scary today as it was fifteen years ago.  The feeling of helplessness and complete and utter lack of control is the same.  But I seem to be learning a little more about letting go each day.  How if I am not in control, I shouldn’t be holding on so tight.

It hit me a month or so ago, that dad would finally have been able to retire.  He would have finally been 62 and done with striving to be employed.  The largest “what if” I have in life…

What if.. dad was still alive?

It seems almost cruel.  His body was giving out fifteen years ago and would he have been able to butcher or run a meat market for the last 15 years?  Would he have survived all of the layoffs of the past few years?  Would retail have driven him literally insane or crushed his creativity to the point of just working to live?  Would…

That is a cruel line of question for all of us, but it makes me wonder more now than ever before if there is a grand plan?  If there is someone more powerful, more intelligent, and more gentle than us in control of this thing called life…

Yes, it would have been amazing to not run from any commitments for 10 years and for my son to have a grandfather to hold and spoil him.  For my search for a male mentor to never have been needed and for me not to worry about death constantly.

But if that moment 15 years never happened, today probably would look a lot different and would just as likely be as worse as it would be like the better in my thoughts.

So after fifteen years, maybe I am finally seeing good in that horrible day, but I still don’t like that it had to happen.

I miss you, Dad.

DadOh, and here’s that picture I spent 35 minutes finding…same one as last year.



Filed under Death, Freewrite, Grieving, Transparency

4 Responses to Fifteen

  1. Adriane

    This is a pic of your Dad J? It’s uncanny how much you look like him. No one knows what the future holds- so the best we can do is plan and hope that things turn out for the best. You are an amazing person who has a lot of wisdom to share with your Wife and your Son on the way. They are lucky to have you in their lives! Learn from the past, take time to enjoy the present, and turn a bright eye toward the future. 🙂

  2. Cher

    Anyone who has lost a parent and is reading what you’ve written is “getting” what you’ve said. I don’t believe we ever stop missing them no matter how much time goes by. I know I haven’t. ( Mom, 23 yrs ago, Dad 16 yrs ago).
    I hope you and Hannah both see glimpses of your Dads in little Junior. THat would be nice.

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