Becoming a father scares the shit out of me.
Since I married the beautiful Hannah it is an oft asked question whether and when we will spawn. As I push the question away I keep hearing (and I know) that it will all work itself out and there is no time that is right but I don’t feel those things completely yet.
If I wasn’t approaching the latter half of my 30s I would want another couple immature years before I deal with a human that is in every way immature. There are approximately 196 more countries I would like a stamp from and 8 states in this country I want to eat a meal or spend a night in. There are bills that need to be paid and an abode of some kind purchased that is mine, and a better job that pays more for better security. I need to be more of an adult to be a parent, the little voice tells me.
I have spent the bulk of my 5ish years in this town becoming an adult. I cling to the fact I am generation “Y-Me”. And so it took me an extra 10 years to become a worker, friend, son and brother…let alone husband. I was on the run and scared of ALL responsibility until something switched.
Maybe it was the number of my age, the shrinking credit card bills or the learning how to grieve. Which is still just me acting like I am grieving enough to grieve. This brings me to my greatest fear. Losing a child.
In the five years I have tried to become an adult, I have had a couple friends lose their child and another lose their nephew. Then there are the complications and miscarraiges. I mean, the odds are good and there seems to be some higher reasoning for all the loss, but…
I look at those words and freak out. My heart tightens. My hands get clammy. My eyes dilate. I get pissed.
And then I realize that I am ready because I have passion and years ago I would have become numb and shut down.
So here’s to adulthood and fatherhood coming in February 2014. Let’s hope I don’t break the kid too bad!