I’ve changed


Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

I have spent some time in the last couple weeks going over what I wrote on old blogs, facebooks and even…really old things on MySpace.  It is vaguely based on a dream of being a published author before I am 40 but it has let me reminisce.  It has also shown me how good life currently is.

I used to have to beg people for money, and recently received a largish raise.  I used to have to ask people to pray for unknowns in a frelationship and now I have a beautiful, amazing, committed wife.  My faith drew lines in the sand on many issues, and now because of location or age maybe, my faith has kind of twisted and molded itself into a simpler more loving expression.  Previously I wrote a lot about what the future holds in vaguer unknown hypothetical ways and how I was going to make it happen.

And ….still that is the bulk of my writing and thinking, but with less hypotheticals and more cynicism honestly.  But I feel like I have changed a lot in the last 5 years since arriving in Portland.

My goals in life have successfully changed from having 6 month plans to having long term plans.  No longer do all commitments include the word “until” like before. i.e. Until I find something better.  Until I pay off that loan.  Until I meet someone.  Until I figure out what I want to do with my life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still wonder what I will be doing when I am 36 or 40 or 67.  I still wonder where I will live and when all debts will be paid off but I am no longer letting those things drive me.  Now I am driven by dreams.  I am driven by the “I wonders” instead of the “what if’s”.  I am riskier in life events and not as risky in traditions.

I find that I like routines lately.  I like knowing what is waiting for me this week and tonight.  What messes will be in my email at work or in the closet on Saturday.  I want to know when people expect to see me so I can plan some alone recharging times. It is most likely true that this has been in me for awhile but planning takes time and effort and I was too lazy to do it.

I have also changed in the fact that I have been in a city for five years, worked at the same place for 4+ and am making solid plans for the future that I can’t fall back on.

Yep, I am a changed man.

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