I have spent some time in the last couple weeks going over what I wrote on old blogs, facebooks and even…really old things on MySpace. It is vaguely based on a dream of being a published author before I am 40 but it has let me reminisce. It has also shown me how good life currently is.
I used to have to beg people for money, and recently received a largish raise. I used to have to ask people to pray for unknowns in a frelationship and now I have a beautiful, amazing, committed wife. My faith drew lines in the sand on many issues, and now because of location or age maybe, my faith has kind of twisted and molded itself into a simpler more loving expression. Previously I wrote a lot about what the future holds in vaguer unknown hypothetical ways and how I was going to make it happen.
And ….still that is the bulk of my writing and thinking, but with less hypotheticals and more cynicism honestly. But I feel like I have changed a lot in the last 5 years since arriving in Portland.
My goals in life have successfully changed from having 6 month plans to having long term plans. No longer do all commitments include the word “until” like before. i.e. Until I find something better. Until I pay off that loan. Until I meet someone. Until I figure out what I want to do with my life.
Don’t get me wrong. I still wonder what I will be doing when I am 36 or 40 or 67. I still wonder where I will live and when all debts will be paid off but I am no longer letting those things drive me. Now I am driven by dreams. I am driven by the “I wonders” instead of the “what if’s”. I am riskier in life events and not as risky in traditions.
I find that I like routines lately. I like knowing what is waiting for me this week and tonight. What messes will be in my email at work or in the closet on Saturday. I want to know when people expect to see me so I can plan some alone recharging times. It is most likely true that this has been in me for awhile but planning takes time and effort and I was too lazy to do it.
I have also changed in the fact that I have been in a city for five years, worked at the same place for 4+ and am making solid plans for the future that I can’t fall back on.
Yep, I am a changed man.