I don’t want to brag or anything, but I have an amazing wife. She is beautiful and lights up when I walk into the bar, a room or when I finally wake up. She is caring and listens to my problems and my rants about life like they actually matter, then encourages me. She comes home spent from a long day of stressful work and cleans, bakes or cooks dinner. She gives me introverted time and makes sure I have time with good friends. But most of all, she is amazing because she forgives me.
As a 30+ year old bachelor, I was worried about meeting someone who understood my issues. When I met people, especially attractive females, I often started censoring my story. I pulled out the piece about being nomadic because I couldn’t trust. I deleted the old stories of being nineteen and depressed and an underage partyer. I left the girls out of the stories of recent spontaneous overseas trips which are most likely the reason for my continuing debt. I learned a lot from my past, but do not want to be judged by it. And it led me to think,
It took me quite some time and a lot of counseling to forgive myself for my mistakes. How will anyone see who I am now?
The thing that surprises me most about being married to the beautiful Hannah is that I don’t have to dwell on what I did. Just what I am doing and will do. I thought I would have to dig out of a massive hole, but instead she lifted me out and pointed me in the right direction when she said, “I don’t mind. It’s okay…just don’t do it again”. She forgave me, not wanting me to bury my past transgressions, but to be honest and admit who I was and how it made me who I am.
The thing I am learning with forgiveness though is that it needs to be continual. I need to keep forgiving myself. I need to forgive others. And I am going to screw up again, so I need to be forgiven again. The desires – to run from issues, to be the center of attention no matter the falsehood and to chase a crazy Hollywood inspired dream— are still there. The chances to fail are more than prevalent. And the desire to act like I wasn’t wrong is still as strong as when I committed the initial mistakes.
I am glad I am in a marriage built on forgiveness and not burying or forgetting the past.
And to think, I used to have funny, smart and cute at the top of my potential mate list.
Cintamu, glad you went to dinner with me ten months ago.