In the past two plus months, I have become more distant than planned.  It has to do with the amazing event I wrote about here and the distance people gave because they knew I was adjusting to a new life and schedule and system of living and fourth cliché phrase.

They ask how marriage is.  I reply good or fine or lovely, and they don’t follow up.

Most of the time the space and given silence is needed.  Because while I had never lived alone (except for that one month in a sketchy hotel in Fairbanks Alaska, and that other time for two months…in a hotel…in Vietnam),

I had never lived with someone that I couldn’t leave and just let time settle debates.   The private space I craved and enjoyed until August 2nd, 2012 no longer exists.  And for that 95% of the time I am glad.  But my 33 years of wiring and rewiring always allowed for space to process what just happened.  It allowed me to leave clothes on the floor, and hair in the sink (not really) and books in ever corner of every room.  I had my space.

Since August 3rd, I have had a beautiful woman who critiques my aesthetical placement of said clothes and books.  Holds me to the promises of dishwashing and trash removing and sock picking up.  And again, I like that about her.  I no longer live in a place that could be mistaken for a dorm room.  But when two people with 60+ years of combined age decide to marry and move to an apartment smaller than either has ever lived alone before…well decisions are made, and lost and talked about a lot.

I am so glad I have a woman that wants to talk these things through because that means communication is precious.  I have a wife that knows and loves charts and schedules.  That hears about how much I ridiculously spent on her and doesn’t mind letting her future paychecks pay that off.

I have a woman that comes home from literally being pushed and prodded by larger, mentally unstable, post high school adults and makes me dinner without complaining or showing that I was actually supposed to make dinner that night.  And decided to just help instead of take lead, as the Bible says  I should, as I am  not rewired to do.

People come up to me and ask how marriage is. And I want to say… “I got a smoking good deal on a wife who loves, forgives, serves, and protects while I just listen and support.”

But I say…”It’s good.” Because I don’t want people to know I am still adjusting to this new space of my life.

1 Comment

Filed under Freewrite, Marriage, The Jesus Way

One Response to Space

  1. hyacinth

    Aah – space – even in a relationship – is the final frontier.
    While one looks for companionship to feel the space, once that companion is found you find out that you must still have some space to yourself. No matter how much you love the person, you must have time on your own. Your lady needs her space too. Finding this compromise, this ability to let the other have even their own corner ( considering the size of your estate now) is extremely important in the growth of the relationship. It took me years to realize how important space to call your own is. My current relationship only got stronger when I realized that even though he didn’t have any serious problems moving into “my” house, he needed a place to call his own and even though we haven’t gotten it complete, he feels better knowing that there is a place he can put “his” stuff in, a place where he can go and eventually decorate to his liking. Our work schedules gives us a lot of space from each other unfortunately but it is healthy for us to have that time apart too because we appreciate the time together so much more.

    In terms of just helping instead of leading – that can really make the marriage better. You are both in a partnership – giving as much as taking, making decisions with the other one in mind, not just deciding singularly. Along with the helping goes supporting – being there to assist, doing things that need to be done even if you are not on schedule. You need to do things equally – respecting each other, listening to each other, giving the other a chance to talk and being quiet, if that is what is needed.

    Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have – even harder than being a parent sometimes. But with the right partner, which you both definitely have, it is the greatest experience you will ever have.

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