So I haven’t written in awhile and it is because every word comes out about the same. Life is fairly busy— for good reason, and eventful —for better reasons, and yet I have a hard time pinpointing anything I have learned or changed week to week. And in case you didn’t know, that is the motivation for a lot of my words. Currently, most of my thoughts revolve around this…
I feel like I have been living in limbo. Actually…I am living in a state of limbo. There are three areas of life where I feel like I can see something much better on the horizon and yet it is not immediately obtainable. The one that I have not only seen the light, but have helped craft the light at the tunnel end is with the lovely Hannah.
We have less than 7 weeks until we are united and this time in between feels more and more like purgatory. The repeated late night drives to my bed, the advanced planning of times together only to be delayed by forgetting something at the other place, the lack of time spent in my room leading to me not being able to find what I know I own, or worse yet not realizing I took the last pair of clean underwear because I am in a tired rush out the door to work. It is a life that tires me out and yet one I don’t feel able to really change because every part of life will change in 40 something days. A life that will look different yet still include the community I love.
The community has led me to live in two realms for almost two years now. Realms of living fully with my house mates, but not fully planting myself for reasons like we will move at anytime, or I might meet someone special, or I will find a role in the community when it comes together. And this last part has led me to feel like I am in limbo. Not finding a role in the community, because I have too many outside of it, and not feeling like I will know I want to stay with the group until a property is involved. Honestly, that is what comes of the south end of a bull. And yet it is something that allows me to keep leading other groups.
In the past 6 months I have gone from attempting to keep three o’clock people afloat and the hundred or so under resourced fed each week, to trying to fill gaps left by other agencies. And it has been an insane amount of struggle and research and meetings and coffee and struggle. I rarely feel I know what I am doing, don’t feel like there is enough of a need for me to start my own agency and still more assistance than I know what to do with. This all leads me to feel less and less worthy while crafting grand plans to take over the world.
As my counselor friends say…that’s a lot man. I am attempting to make decisions on the three most emotional and identifying sections of life…at the same time. Some days literally leaving one discussion to start another…and yet I am the happiest and most peaceful I have been in years.
Figure that out. Maybe limbo isn’t such a bad place…but I hope it ends soon!