Life has been fun lately. Almost too fun at times as so many things have been working out in my favor. Which has been occasionally difficult to accept or have time to appreciate. After what seems like years of spinning my wheels things have been coming together and moving me forward….
All at once.
So it is making me question timing. Like why now? Why couldn’t they happen slowly over time? Say the mental freedom and breakthroughs first. Then the increased passion to do more with the invisible people in my life. Then the wonderful lady. Then the desires to settle down and place solid roots. Then the moving into deeper community. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.
My rhythm has been set for long enough that my legs get wobbly as I am stepping away from it. I feel like I have just been running for hours on end at the same pace and tilt which has led my legs to be muscled for that course, but not this one coming.
During the treadmill rhythm I also created a spending rhythm that has not been easy to press pause on. I could afford a lot except when I couldn’t. I could buy a lot of plane tickets except for that one really expensive one. I could…would…should have not gotten myself into this mess.
It is a mess that requires some changes wait for a while, while others can implemented now. I can give time to people. The invisible people, the beautiful lady, the deeper community. I can’t give all my money to the invisible people because I don’t have any. I can’t buy a place for the community because I don’t have the credit. I can’t…well…I just can’t.
But the timing of all of this seems like I should take more steps. I should jump into deeper more emotional taxing events again. I should give more time AND money to those who are invisible to others but know my name. I should stop spending so much on myself. I should only eat what is on my plate. I should…but I can’t.
Plus, that speaker said her friend had that poster that said
So maybe I shouldn’t should and maybe I can just live out the dreams that are in my head. The dreams of living and loving the people around me…while giving the bulk of that time to those closest to the center of my oniony circles. I can stop saying no to the beggars, streetwalkers, drug addicts, homeless youth, dirty hippies, counter-revolutionaries, broken friends, under-resourced friends, under-resourced acquaintances and start saying,
“Totally. My name’s Jeremiah, what’s yours?”
And then I can see what happens. No more I should or I will or I can’t. Just doing it. I can see if this timing is of my own creation—it’s not—or if it’s there because the treadmill I have been walking and running on for 4 years is just as sick of me as I am of it.