My first counseling session was with a graduate level counselor who needed hours and I was getting a discounted rate for, and the following phrase was used.
“I think my depression is getting worse”
She was in an uproar and questioned me heavily. Not only had I self diagnosed, but I had self defined how strong it was and self projected I had the knowledge to determine it.
The counseling relationship didn’t last long, for this and other reasons including I wasn’t ready to be open with anyone let alone a female. But underlying that statement was that I had read and studied about depression a good bit and exposed myself to a couple friends who mutually agreed we both had depression. It is a buzz word in this part of the country and world. We throw it around as if “I have a stomach ache” and I am wondering if it is inaccurately used.
The weather outside has changed and shockingly many people’s emotions and feelings have too. It’s grey again- which means I am ready to dig in again. Dig into a hole and into my mind, alone. To sit on my bed and read or watch documentaries or other rentals from the library. And to avoid people around me. This makes it difficult to be in community with those around me.
I have been tired a lot lately. Not sleeping well and trying to please everyone. The sensation to be alone has been becoming more and more present after I spent 5 of 6 weekends away from home and was working and volunteering a good bit of the other time. My schedule was preventing me from being an introvert.
All the jumbled, unconnected thoughts above lead me to today. I skipped church, then a shower, then running errands and while I am writing this, our Sabbath dinner. I have spent a good three plus hours wondering if I am just tired or depressed. I was lying in bed playing a game on my phone I am time-wasting with while I watched the extras of King of Kong. Then I started watching a depressing documentary and wonder if I am depressed. Then I went upstairs to make dinner, which should have involved heating up some delicious soup or curry which we have excess of, but instead I gorged on junk. The menu was a large cup of Milo, some chips and Salsa, a couple hunks of cheese, some smoked sausage and a waffle. These are not foods or tastes that should be combined but they were because I wanted them, NOW! In my defense I hadn’t eaten anything but a waffle today at like 10- two hours after I awoke, but 20 minutes after I got out of bed.
I think I am just tired. Mostly because I don’t want my depression (it was later diagnosed as mild and slightly worse than most Portlanders) to be coming on before Halloween when the rain and gray return for their season.
What do you all think? Am I tired or depressed? Anyone else feeling like this?