I went to FuBonn* today.  To cope. To see Asian faces and read Vietnamese letters even though I don’t know what they mean and look for foods that were comfort foods 5 years ago and…

I showed up at my 11 year old buddy’s house.  We hang out once a week and I attempt to be a positive role model while he attempts to remind me that life is fun.  Also he tries not to sneeze on me or burp too loud except when he calls it first.  I missed last week unexpectedly because my car had issues.  When I showed up today he was not around.  Even weirder no one was.  Apparently he went out with some neighbor friends.  I took this as a slam against me.

I am attempting to be an adult and yet I am so inconsistent an 11 year old doesn’t know if I will show.  While this might seem normal to some, a couple months ago he looked forward to me showing up.  Maybe it was the money I was throwing around. Or the cool movies I took him to see, but I know on a couple occasions, he canceled other plans to hang out.

Today he forgot about me.

I have been feeling forgotten for some reason.  Emails I am left off of. Plans that are made last minute without me.  Stories told as if I was there when I wasn’t. They all lead me to feel forgotten.  Not be  forgotten but feel forgotten.

So I went to someplace I knew I would be loved.  People would smile at me.  Point and laugh at me.  Ask – how you know?- and I could pridefully exclaim I have been to their homeland.  And I would remember those I had forgotten.  I went there for snacks….and coffee. But driving home I remembered things I had forgotten.

Like I spent months alone once.  Something I dream of right now.  Granted it was in a foreign land with foreign language and spiritual restrictions on me but it sucked.  I was always respected and remembered before because I was almost feared because of my size, and occasionally worshipped because of the money I carried.  I don’t want that again.  I want people to like me because of who I am.  People who remember and respect me because of what I did.  Not because of the imperceptions lobbed onto me.

I want people to remember me for who I am not who I think I am.  So maybe I can remember life isn’t bad and it will slowly get better.


*Asian supercenter similar to Tesco or Cold Storage Island Plaza or other westernized Asian markets

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Filed under Adulthood, Overthinking, Transparency

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