I’m not so good at taking things at face value. If I do, it is because I have spent a period of time –car drive, airplane ride, weekend away— convincing myself I need to just go with the flow for a while. There is always a set amount of time, an out, for my going with the flow time. In this time I tend to go through all the scenarios and situations that might happen and how they will play out. Sometimes taking it to the extreme…
When I saw this cartoon, I started busting up laughing…then looked for a camera behind me. To say I could relate is an understatement. To say I had said those words to a beautiful girl at some point is nearly true. Some back story first…
I have been in therapy on and off for a couple years now. The fears of failure, rejection and loss are strong themes in my life. Substantially stronger than most have apparently, and enough for me to over think situations so I don’t have to experience failure or rejection. Those are the roots of my constant desire to move houses, change jobs, careers, or social circles and also why I only go to therapy off and on! They were the roots I discovered when about nine months into being in Portland I was ready to go. A month after starting school I promised myself I would finish and two months after landing a great job after years of trying…I was done.
The reason was because people knew all they could without me getting attached.
A few months after that I realized even though my long distance relationship was toast, I wasn’t really pursing any other relationships. My counselor started asking “Why?” a lot and I never really had an answer until I realized that I was over thinking them too much.
“Well, she has a good heart but was looking at a TMZ so she is probably too high maintenance. She will be late a lot and I don’t want her to miss our fourth child’s play, again” *
“She is cute, but I noticed that she listed Garth Brooks as an influence on her blog, so she is probably also into Fox News. We will get into a fight about how to pay for our child’s medical bills after I quit my job to pursue writing” *
“Yeah, we have talked a couple times, but she seems to be obsessed with local sourced foods. I don’t think it’ll work because in 14 years, I don’t want to have to paddle a solar powered kayak to Vietnam…and back.” *
I was literally breaking up with girls before I asked them for coffee because I knew how it would end. Since this revelation, I have started predicting rejection less. I have offered my time for coffee and dinner with strangers more. I have pushed away thoughts and not read into text messages to decipher what “later” or “k” really means.
And… well, I should have stuck with the over thinking thoughts on a couple. I was right and should have drawn better lines with a few. And I have failed a lot. Just ask half my readership!
* These are all exaggerations, although one is based on fact.