18

Dad

 

It has been 18 years since I lost Dad.  Which is just a stupid long time for it still to hurt and for me to need trigger warnings on multiple shows and online videos still.  But long enough to forget stories and memories.  His voice no longer just comes to me when I think of him.  But will eventually when I think long enough.  Too long to see his posts online somewhere, or pictures, or voice mails.

Being an adult is still difficult without that fatherly figure to help me with relationship issues, work issues, or to show me how to stop the fireplace from smoking up the whole house. Or why the lights over the dining table won’t stop burning out. Or how to build a vegetable garden that is too big to keep up with.  I might have that under control.  I’d love to be able to chat about his stay at home years and how he stayed sane.

But instead, for the last 18 years, I have been winging it.  I have looked for other father figures, but none are the same.  None will do when I was already “raised” when he suddenly passed.

I have made it another year though.  I have figured out how to be a dad myself with a talking, complaining, questioning son.   I have lost track of the times I have thought about how he would like to hear Junior is getting revenge on me by do what I probably did at his age or older.

It doesn’t make it easier to be constantly reminded of the loss in that, or the fact I have multiple friends in the midst of similar shocking losses right now and it brings up the “too soon”, “too young”, “too sudden” thoughts.   But it is part of my story.

And with each passing year, I try to identify with it being part of the story, not the climax, or piviotal moment just a section of the story.  But it is a large part, and I am trying to find something else to make the pivotal moment.

And this year, Junior is old enough to know who pictures are, so he is beginning to meet Grandpa Jim, if only in the couple pictures I have.  And the couple stories that have stuck.  And the silly things he said that are now coming out of my mouth.  Which brings up a whole ‘nother bucket of turds in trying to teach a little boy without real Grandpops what they should be.  And that is the hardest to stomach some days.

Miss you Dad. Every day.

 

Leave a Comment

Filed under Adulthood, Death, Freewrite, Grieving, Junior, Marriage, Transparency

Offended

In the past couple weeks I have changed some rhythms.  I started reading books and magazines instead of playing games to waste time and stew on my own thoughts.  And I have avoided a lot of things on Facebooks because I get offended with in about 6-8 posts.  I get offended because someone is defending their beliefs against current political events…again.  Because there is another video of indigenous Americans being abused by the police like Americas.  Because someone posted about White people being bad to the other.

Then I want to defend myself.  I know how to play cards.  Or I wouldn’t even get into a military vehicle and use a water cannon against someone defending their land.  Or I haven’t been silent in the face of the way our President-Elect campaigned.  Or I don’t believe I will be fine while the other is oppressed.  And honestly I don’t know how to defend myself when confronted like this.  I do want to tell people I didn’t vote Trump so they will continue to be my friend…mostly just online.

Right now, I have very few people I hang out with.  I have three guys I talk to about everyday life and two are not local.  And all are white.  I have a couple friends of color but we don’t seem to get our schedules to sync up well.  So I share memes and videos with three like-minded, like experienced friends.

I don’t have any one in my inner circle that would vote for Trump.  And yet, I feel a gut punch when I see someone calling out White People for their silence or lack of understanding.  I want to scream how like-minded I am with people of color and how I have rebuked a lot of the white stereotypes intentionally.  How there are words I won’t say even while reading aloud or recounting a movie or rapping along with the radio in the car…alone.

It hit me a couple weeks ago, this is potentially closer to how the other often feels.  How legal immigrants feel while walking past TVs tuned to the nightly news in a store.  How people of color feel when they are passed over for a job for a candidate that was “just a little better” but equally qualified in everything but skin color.  How African Americans feel when another story about a young black man being shot has the commentary of him not obeying the police.  How Asian Americans feel when they are asked where they are from even though they are 4th generation American.

How this feeling of helpless and lack of control in what others can and will do to you is not knew for a lot of people.  Just for a lot of White people.

And I don’t know what to do with that thought.

*I use the term White people to describe the generalized majority of European Americans intentionally.  Just like a lot of people use the term Asian or African or Latin without knowing where some is actually from.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Adulthood, Freewrite, Global Community, The Jesus Way, Transparency

Don’t Know

A little over a month ago, a fellow church member sent out a note asking for help with an ESL and Welcome Center she started at her daughter’s school. It was the first time in a long time that I jumped at something. One because they offered childcare. Two because it was among a diverse group of people that wanted to learn English and I know English kinda good enough. And three because they had childcare.  The first time I showed up there was a Spanish speaking man with a great grasp on the language who told me a lot of his story.  I just sat a listened.  He has only come back once, because he is busy, and probably just came those times for fellowship in an otherwise boring day.  That is fine.

A month or so in I am the childcare often. With today at one point six kids under my charge, three of which didn’t speak English and none of which wanted to listen to me…including my own spawn. But I dealt, even though I was really close to not going today… because of Junior not listening anymore.

I went because I truly want my kid to know people of other colors and languages and personalities.  I want him to remember when he is 16 or 26 or 36 that not all people of color are moochers, terrorists, abusers, or untrustworthy.  I want him to remember a friend from when he was this age or 4 or 6 who he had a great time with and liked.  I also want the kids and parents there to see me,  a larger white male smiling and listening to them.  Because I know television dominates a lot of homes and time.  And I know a lot of the coverage on television is negative currently.

I don’t know if it will do any good.  I don’t know if Junior will grow up and move to a town with even less people of color (doubtful).   I don’t know if I will continue to be willing to smile and listen without speaking and groaning.  I don’t know if any of us will be as open as we are now again.

But I also don’t know what else to do to make this world okay.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Freewrite, Global Community, Heathen Healers, Junior, The Jesus Way

Schilling Away

Since I have become a stay at home dad, I have wondered how we can afford it.  I asked around as I got to know people and learned that many clipped coupons, sold 21st century Avon (Jamberry, Amway or Pampered Chef were the ones mentioned at the community center) or clicked sites for pennies.  I have done the latter for years so just increased that trend and have actually made some pocket money.

I have $100 in gift cards to the Home Depot sitting on my desk (a bookcase/ shoe rack/ side table).  They are from 3 sites that I cashed in.  All of these are built off the Amway model of getting friends involved for more money.  Anyways this is a not so subtle plug for you to join and give me more pennies.  If you don’t care, stop reading after the first one, I’ll be back next week with more amazing stories.

Stefan Wolf Art Society 6

My buddy Stefan is an amazing artist.  We’ve known each other for nearly 15 years and he has always had a sketch book with incredible visual interpretations of conversations, funny quotes turned into images or just sketches of Newsweek covers.  They were always really well drawn and generally funny. He draws good.  He also carves and makes incredible wood block prints.  Some of the sketches are random but his prints were always so detailed I thought they were better than most art for sale.  When we met many years ago I thought he should try to sell it.  When we were roommates years later, I tried to get his portfolio to help get his work in coffee shops.  Then he got married and he started getting some commissions among friends but being forced to produce was stressful.  Now he has a kid that he stays home with while waiting for high paying forestry jobs to come to him.  So finally a few months ago, he allowed me to start posting some drawing and woodblock prints for all to consume and make him money.  The cool part with Society 6 is that if you upload it for a print, you can also get it on a shirt, bathmat or coffee mug.  So now you can get random cartoons on coffee mugs, and amazing prints for your bathroom from the same artist and place.  And two SAHDs get some cash off your purchase, unequally divided to artist.

Link to awesome- https://society6.com/jeremiahmeeks

Swagbucks

I have made nearly $50 a month for the 4 plus years I have been apart. I get points by running videos on an old smart phone and my laptop, occasional surveys and less occasional online purchases they track and give points for.  They also have a real bonus system that rewards you for making about a dollar a day with a few extra dollars at the end of the month.  The only problem is that you have to keep finding a way to earn your points when they change the limits on videos or when the surveys think you are lying.  But for $50 a month I give it a try.  I do this almost daily.  It annoys the beautiful Hannah sometimes.  Most of the time she doesn’t notice.

I get 10% of your earnings (you get all yours too) plus $4 when you sign up. It’s a pretty amazing deal honestly.

Link- http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/guidooconnor


Instagc

I started using this last year and struggled to find a way to make much money with it as most of the offers and surveys were the same as Swagbucks.  Until last month when I found (or they updated) the streaming videos and now I get about a dollar a day from running videos while I sleep.  Plus they currently have a holiday bonus program that you can get up to 10% bonus of earnings made between now and December 31st.   Also they live up to their name, when you redeem a gift card you get a link right then to print it off (or you could use online).

I get $0.10 at signup and 10% of some earnings.

Link- https://www.instagc.com/guidooconnor

Microsoft Rewards

This is how I check the news most days, getting points by clicking through top stories.  There is a daily limit in points so it only takes a few minutes and generally once you go through all stories you have your points.  I redeem the points for Starbucks, almost all the time.  So this one is a marriage helper because the beautiful Hannah loves her an Iced Coconut Milk Mocha Macchiato in the summer and Peppermint Mocha with Coconut milk in the cold (it’s available all years kids).  I can redeem a couple gift cards a month if I do all the special deals.

I get nothing, but you can get points from signing up through instagc or Swagbucks
Mypoints
I’ve been a member since 1998 it says.  That is like 15 email addresses ago.  It is simple, you get emails.  You click the link.  You get 5 points.  You see a special deal for 1500, but they want your credit card info and you don’t really want to join a wine and cheese of the month club so you X out, and click the next.  I go through the emails once a week, and redeem the points a couple times a year.  Not a big money maker, but I apparently have gotten a few thousand in 17 years (point values change so can’t really tell).  Also they just got bought by Swagbucks so things are changing and might merge soon.

Ibotta

Just started using it.  Works best for those who buy a lot of beer, wine and packaged foods it seems but also gives me discounts on fancy diapers, eggs, milk and bread.  Which has slowly added up.  Anyway, if you shop at Walmart and like barcodes this is for you.  Please use my code- kspldjm and get $10.  I get less.

So if you made it this far, you get to see me admit I am kind of pitiful and or ridiculous.  But I make a few dollars a week by having technology work for me generally while I am doing other things.  I only do a couple every day and having completed daily goals is nice for my head.  Anyway. Bye

If you do sign up for any of the above and want my pointers just text or email me.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Administrative, Obese Obsessions

Rainy Day

It is chilly and raining today.  The plan was to move a pile of mulch around the yard today, but it just doesn’t sound fun, unlike sitting in the big chair and doing nothing.  So I sat down to write and typographically vomited about the ridiculousness of politics and media and facebook stories.  And well, it looked like vomit which no one needs to see, and I don’t feel like trying to pick out the good points and construct something.  Because that would be like rebuilding the food digested…this has gone too far.  Instead I finished a blog post about all the penny clicking I do to pass time and attempt to help us stick to budget.  So if you don’t want to know how to get rich quick*, I will see y’all next week.

*richness not guaranteed

Leave a Comment

Filed under Administrative, Adulthood, Freewrite